understanding that my way isn't always the way?

So moving on with my life while this divorce is happening I am learning a lot about myself and the things I want and things I do not want.
But today I have learned something unexpected. (this isn't the time or place to give you 100% detail)
But I have been thinking of something a lot and praying for it just as much and slowly am learning that it isn't in Gods plan for me (at least as of now, so I can't say never). But this THING just wont leave my mind or feelings.
As of today if this THING and I were to ever become more, I feel its like putting butter on a turd and calling it toast! Not saying I or this thing are the turd but, the way life is for the thing and I are the turd. everything is upside down for me and I am on a spinney toy and being told to walk straight as for the THING it doesn't know what way is up and I can't help it right now!  I have found the bread I am looking for, it is in God and I am just learning how to be good butter and this THING is just holding me back for being 100% in the word and being a real follower!
I know that this probably wont make any since but I needed to vent and still keep what it is to myself!
Thanks and have a blessed NIGHT!


God has great plans for me Just wished My human needs would leave me while I learn what I need to learn! I am not meaning sex, food, water, etc...
but this brain I carry with me never stops. My thought start here then go there and then sometimes never moves! I am just so not enjoying this mind game I play with myself. I want to be with God yet I don't know anyone who will walk the walk and talk the talk with me, at the same time I want to do this on my own...I see the great things God does for so many including myself but wish I could share that with someone or have them share that to me!

understanding looking in the mirror

Ok do me a favor look in the mirror, Out loud tell me what you see.....................
ok now close your eyes take a deep breath, now another, do this three more times..................
now open your eyes look in the mirror again tell me what you see, look past yourself, look as if God your father was telling you what he sees............. please out loud again say what you see...take your time its alot to see..................
Now tell me why (now knowing what you know) why do we not love what God has made for us..........
why Can we not look at someone else and truely love them for who they are and not there big nose or small ears................

why cant we enjoy life feeling that we are to different/ or just don't fit in.............
the ugly truth is nobody cares what you look like because there are to worried about what they look like/ they are to worried that you are looking only at there big nose, small butt, etc...................
how many people do you miss on the streets?
how many times do you feel alone?
how many time do you just enjoy?
We spend so much of time makes our out side look good we for get to see our soul and we forget to make our soul beautiful.............................
we don't the time to make one on one with our spirit with our inner man

now that I have given you a tool to see the inner man that is you how do you feel? whats your next move?

understnading divorce

this wont be my only post about this. I know this is going to be the longest year of my life. I am still learning the reasons for my husband wanting to leave me and each time the reason is way different from the last! I am having good days and bad days. I've known for almost 3 weeks now and still am finding myself getting angry  " what did I do? what could I have done differently? etc,,,etc,,,
I have come to understand one thing about this "nothing is what it looks" I believe that he doesn't love himself and  so can't love me. he lives in this world that you look like you are doing the right things and or the good things, yet inside you feel like crap and are doing nothing right!

I found his lack of caring is why I am here blogging. I hurt alot and cry alot yet he just moves on like nothing ever happened.
Well I will be back shortly as things come to mind and I feel I am not as angry!
thanks

understanding the religion ideal of Christans

So i was born in to Christianity. after leaning some of the things I've have learned I am A BELIEVER of the LORD, Not so much a Christian. and here are some of my reasons.
The term "Christian" is used adjectivally to describe anything associated with Christianity, or in a proverbial sense "all that is noble, and good, and Christ-like."
According to the World Christian Encyclopedia (year 2000 version), global Christianity had 33,820 denominations with 3,445,000 congregations/churches composed of 1,888 million affiliated Christians.
Now if you look at both above think about the people you have met (and I am by no means saying this is every Christian) how many of them were noble, good, or even Christ-like. I find that most Christian feel they are better then everyone. always have time to judge, are to good for anyone else, push the bible in everyone's face so they can be the reason your saved,  someone asked 4 Christians what makes them so happy/good hearted 3 answered because I am a Christian and only one came back to say because of my LORD. Now looking at that I feel that Christians have there own idle (themselves). There is over 3000 different kind of Christians and why? Why do I need to be a Christian plus this or that? Do you think God loves you more if you have Extra labels next to your name?
I hate to tell you this (to those who just can't get around it) God loves everyone doesn't matter if your Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, Etc. He just wants you to believe and be good and honest to your neighbor. Why is it so hard to believe that He would just want happiness with the people he placed here?
So I say to those out here who this has touched God wants nothing but the best for his people and His people are YOU (Black, white, Jew, Catholic, ETC....) now I understand that we all have are own Ideas of God but doesn't mean we can't get along and love eachother! God would want that! 
'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (NIV, Mark 12:31)

understanding men vs women!

So they say men and women come from different parts of space yet, I think we are from the same place just can't seem to understand how someone could be just like me! so we've gone the point of making males and females so foreign to each other!
females love, live, and bitch.
males love, live, and o yeah bitch.
so ok I'll break it down a little more for you.
FEMALES love to be loved by someone and love to love back.
MALES love to be loved and love themselves back.
FEMALES live to take care of anything and everything around them.
MALES Live to take care of themselves.
FEMALES Bitch because no one  listen. They feel if they just come off bitchy YOU'LL LISTEN.
MALES BITCH  because no one can  listen to them they are to cool! And feel if they stay bitchy then no one can make them feel lower!

Now I am just guessing but I think we are the same just have taking our ideas of life in different ways!
I love my husband I just can't walk bigger then him and keep up my bitchness so he doesn't know how happy he makes me! Might scare him AWAY!

Understanding the life as hoader!

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia)^[1] is the excessive acquisition of possessions (and failure to use or discard them), even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding impairs mobility and interferes with basic activities, including cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's characteristic hoarding.

So I have just learned that I maybe a hoarder. I have a fear of letting go. More along the lines of letting go of something I have the control of. IT CANT AND WONT LEAVE OR HURT ME! I've been left behind so many times (never was I asked nor was it something I would have made the choice of). So I find that I can find a empty box fill it with junk (yes junk to you) and make it mean a lot. It will fill my empty spot that others have left me!
I know is sounds like I blame so many people for this. Well its true other people have not taken the time to see me and love me the way I love them back. I would and still to this day I would never leave you nor hurt you the way you have hurt me!
A lot of times I get asked where you bullied in school, Well yeah I was the nerd and you could hear everyone talking about me, But whatever I found that normal. but the act of the always changing family life My dad was always here always stood by me but as for a mom or mom figure don't think very many women every stayed in my life long enough before there selfishness reasons left me in the cold trying to understand what it was I DID! This is where I fill this hoarding started I would write all my thoughts down and get anything that reminded me of these people and put it in a box and put it somewhere as to write it out of my life (but not really).
I am now married and am a mom and I love it! my husband went through some "junk" and get rid of a lot of it without me knowing I went days without sleep as if he took my leg off. something I need is now gone. Sad thing is I have no idea whats gone nor have i had to look for it to know its gone! But I fill I have failed someone or something not being able to fight for them hard enough before someone else trashed you! I was there legs and I let my husband cut them off and toss it with no feeling.
I know its not true and I have learned I can make it! but still its a crazy feeling to have this loss without anything really lost.
well there you go for now I know I will come back to this shortly! have a great day!

undrstanding the life of a drug user

So being a recovering addict (5 years). I myself know the pain, lies, hurt, enjoyment, loneliness and even the lack of. it hasn't been the easiest thing but I can and will continue to keep it up. however today I am a little worried for a family member. He calls to tell me he needs help and I find it. then He stops talking to me. Again a week later he calls and tells me how much he needs to get out and can I help so again I point him in the path I once took! and now I haven't heard from him in 2 days. I know he is dealing and also doing. I also know the pain he is in with the women of his life caught cheating on him.
I know how lonely doing drugs can be at the same time the people who are doing them with you seem to understand more then anyone else. Yet cleaning up I have lost anyone and everyone. I had to start my life over 100% from the ground up. which has been the hardest (harder then cleaning up). I know how afraid people are to clean up and change everything. I asked myself many times was this the right path for me? My answer is always yes. they say the a drug user spends 4 years looking for the drug and 1 year doing it! so where is the enjoyment in looking for something that is going to rob you of everything you have; looks, family, real friends, the simple happiness in life!
here I am just going off like I am on some type of soap box! I'm not I am just interested in your thoughts.