Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia)[1] is the excessive acquisition of possessions (and failure to use or discard them), even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding impairs mobility and interferes with basic activities, including cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's characteristic hoarding.
So I have just learned that I maybe a hoarder. I have a fear of letting go. More along the lines of letting go of something I have the control of. IT CANT AND WONT LEAVE OR HURT ME! I've been left behind so many times (never was I asked nor was it something I would have made the choice of). So I find that I can find a empty box fill it with junk (yes junk to you) and make it mean a lot. It will fill my empty spot that others have left me!
I know is sounds like I blame so many people for this. Well its true other people have not taken the time to see me and love me the way I love them back. I would and still to this day I would never leave you nor hurt you the way you have hurt me!
A lot of times I get asked where you bullied in school, Well yeah I was the nerd and you could hear everyone talking about me, But whatever I found that normal. but the act of the always changing family life My dad was always here always stood by me but as for a mom or mom figure don't think very many women every stayed in my life long enough before there selfishness reasons left me in the cold trying to understand what it was I DID! This is where I fill this hoarding started I would write all my thoughts down and get anything that reminded me of these people and put it in a box and put it somewhere as to write it out of my life (but not really).
I am now married and am a mom and I love it! my husband went through some "junk" and get rid of a lot of it without me knowing I went days without sleep as if he took my leg off. something I need is now gone. Sad thing is I have no idea whats gone nor have i had to look for it to know its gone! But I fill I have failed someone or something not being able to fight for them hard enough before someone else trashed you! I was there legs and I let my husband cut them off and toss it with no feeling.
I know its not true and I have learned I can make it! but still its a crazy feeling to have this loss without anything really lost.
well there you go for now I know I will come back to this shortly! have a great day!
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