understanding loneliness

Now you all know I am going through a divorce.
I feel as if I am the only going through it.
This wasn't my choice I loved this man!
When I have a bad day I can no longer run to the one who was suppose to be my comfort.
When I cry I now have to wipe my own tears.
When Smile no one stops to smile back!
When I am lonely I am the only one who holds me back!
Its hard to look at people, most ask why didn't you fight harder?
What did you do wrong?
You'll be alone for the rest of your life no one wants someone whos been married before and has a kid!
I've lost my glow.
My biggest fear in life has happened and there is nothing that can get you ready for this feeling.
I am used goods, yet my goods are still in good condition.
I love me just have a hard time thinking someone else can love me back!

understanding death!

Some of you may not understand this or may understand it all to well...I find myself hurting for the non believer or the one who just don't know God! Here I watch people fight everyday to become something and know God and what he can do for them then, you watch people fight just to live each day and don't really know what they are fighting for...these people dealers, gang members, murders, etc.. some of these people don't know anything else (not making it OK) but really only know what tools they were given! how many of you believers take the time to show Gods loves to these people? how do expected them to love God if you don't show them?

I've started hurting about this more after Japans great loss. you know only 1% believe....yes only 1%...as of right now there are many and many thousands died. many most who have died didn't know God and how many of you (yes me too) did anything to help that number!

Now back to our back yard.. how many in this city know God is our saver and know what great things he can do for them? how many people have you told?

I find people I know fight everyday to stay sober. they know what they are fighting for. they know Gods love for them. they know that they will go to either heaven or hell. yet they wake up and start the fight all over again. when really God can make that all easier...
But for those who don't know they just fight to stay alive one more day. they fight for that one more fix. which is a real fight and they don't know any better. but why are you not at there door step helping them understand that there fight doesn't have to be that hard. instead you are driving by saying "why don't you just stop, I did. (well for this hour anyways)"
just makes me mad we fight daily for our life but what about the life of  our brothers and sisters of Christ?
People are dying everyday but they don't know where they are going, yet US believers know and aren't sharing it enough.
this is SAD. Aren't you proud of what you believe then why aren't you telling everyone about it?

understanding that my way isn't always the way?

So moving on with my life while this divorce is happening I am learning a lot about myself and the things I want and things I do not want.
But today I have learned something unexpected. (this isn't the time or place to give you 100% detail)
But I have been thinking of something a lot and praying for it just as much and slowly am learning that it isn't in Gods plan for me (at least as of now, so I can't say never). But this THING just wont leave my mind or feelings.
As of today if this THING and I were to ever become more, I feel its like putting butter on a turd and calling it toast! Not saying I or this thing are the turd but, the way life is for the thing and I are the turd. everything is upside down for me and I am on a spinney toy and being told to walk straight as for the THING it doesn't know what way is up and I can't help it right now!  I have found the bread I am looking for, it is in God and I am just learning how to be good butter and this THING is just holding me back for being 100% in the word and being a real follower!
I know that this probably wont make any since but I needed to vent and still keep what it is to myself!
Thanks and have a blessed NIGHT!


God has great plans for me Just wished My human needs would leave me while I learn what I need to learn! I am not meaning sex, food, water, etc...
but this brain I carry with me never stops. My thought start here then go there and then sometimes never moves! I am just so not enjoying this mind game I play with myself. I want to be with God yet I don't know anyone who will walk the walk and talk the talk with me, at the same time I want to do this on my own...I see the great things God does for so many including myself but wish I could share that with someone or have them share that to me!

understanding looking in the mirror

Ok do me a favor look in the mirror, Out loud tell me what you see.....................
ok now close your eyes take a deep breath, now another, do this three more times..................
now open your eyes look in the mirror again tell me what you see, look past yourself, look as if God your father was telling you what he sees............. please out loud again say what you see...take your time its alot to see..................
Now tell me why (now knowing what you know) why do we not love what God has made for us..........
why Can we not look at someone else and truely love them for who they are and not there big nose or small ears................

why cant we enjoy life feeling that we are to different/ or just don't fit in.............
the ugly truth is nobody cares what you look like because there are to worried about what they look like/ they are to worried that you are looking only at there big nose, small butt, etc...................
how many people do you miss on the streets?
how many times do you feel alone?
how many time do you just enjoy?
We spend so much of time makes our out side look good we for get to see our soul and we forget to make our soul beautiful.............................
we don't the time to make one on one with our spirit with our inner man

now that I have given you a tool to see the inner man that is you how do you feel? whats your next move?

understnading divorce

this wont be my only post about this. I know this is going to be the longest year of my life. I am still learning the reasons for my husband wanting to leave me and each time the reason is way different from the last! I am having good days and bad days. I've known for almost 3 weeks now and still am finding myself getting angry  " what did I do? what could I have done differently? etc,,,etc,,,
I have come to understand one thing about this "nothing is what it looks" I believe that he doesn't love himself and  so can't love me. he lives in this world that you look like you are doing the right things and or the good things, yet inside you feel like crap and are doing nothing right!

I found his lack of caring is why I am here blogging. I hurt alot and cry alot yet he just moves on like nothing ever happened.
Well I will be back shortly as things come to mind and I feel I am not as angry!
thanks

understanding the religion ideal of Christans

So i was born in to Christianity. after leaning some of the things I've have learned I am A BELIEVER of the LORD, Not so much a Christian. and here are some of my reasons.
The term "Christian" is used adjectivally to describe anything associated with Christianity, or in a proverbial sense "all that is noble, and good, and Christ-like."
According to the World Christian Encyclopedia (year 2000 version), global Christianity had 33,820 denominations with 3,445,000 congregations/churches composed of 1,888 million affiliated Christians.
Now if you look at both above think about the people you have met (and I am by no means saying this is every Christian) how many of them were noble, good, or even Christ-like. I find that most Christian feel they are better then everyone. always have time to judge, are to good for anyone else, push the bible in everyone's face so they can be the reason your saved,  someone asked 4 Christians what makes them so happy/good hearted 3 answered because I am a Christian and only one came back to say because of my LORD. Now looking at that I feel that Christians have there own idle (themselves). There is over 3000 different kind of Christians and why? Why do I need to be a Christian plus this or that? Do you think God loves you more if you have Extra labels next to your name?
I hate to tell you this (to those who just can't get around it) God loves everyone doesn't matter if your Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, Etc. He just wants you to believe and be good and honest to your neighbor. Why is it so hard to believe that He would just want happiness with the people he placed here?
So I say to those out here who this has touched God wants nothing but the best for his people and His people are YOU (Black, white, Jew, Catholic, ETC....) now I understand that we all have are own Ideas of God but doesn't mean we can't get along and love eachother! God would want that! 
'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (NIV, Mark 12:31)

understanding men vs women!

So they say men and women come from different parts of space yet, I think we are from the same place just can't seem to understand how someone could be just like me! so we've gone the point of making males and females so foreign to each other!
females love, live, and bitch.
males love, live, and o yeah bitch.
so ok I'll break it down a little more for you.
FEMALES love to be loved by someone and love to love back.
MALES love to be loved and love themselves back.
FEMALES live to take care of anything and everything around them.
MALES Live to take care of themselves.
FEMALES Bitch because no one  listen. They feel if they just come off bitchy YOU'LL LISTEN.
MALES BITCH  because no one can  listen to them they are to cool! And feel if they stay bitchy then no one can make them feel lower!

Now I am just guessing but I think we are the same just have taking our ideas of life in different ways!
I love my husband I just can't walk bigger then him and keep up my bitchness so he doesn't know how happy he makes me! Might scare him AWAY!